Guest Post: Dicks Are Weird

From time to time I want to inject another point of view into the blog, and allow someone else’s rambling thoughts to consume your time. This post comes from The Masturbatory Penguin who is one of my closest friends and an exceptionally talented writer who I’m pretty sure would eclipse me if I allowed her full reign around here. Enjoy!

Dicks are weird.

Male genitals were not designed with aesthetics in mind. Not that the average vagina is necessarily a work of art, but at least it tucks away neatly, leaving just a coy little mound to hint at the treasures within. The penis, not so much. It’s out there, front and centre, and it’s ready to party. Oh look! It even brought a couple friends!

It’s all function and no form, is what I’m saying. It would never sell at Ikea. And yet, I want one. Sometimes. Or rather, I wonder what happened to the one I was supposed to have.

Bigender, gender fluid… take your pick. The nomenclature will continue to evolve as trans rights and issues become increasingly prominent, but basically, I look like a chick, and about half the time I identify as one. The other half? Dude, where’s my cock? (It’d also be nice to get some of that male privilege, but for now, let’s focus on my junk.)

This presents a unique set of challenges when it comes to masturbation (and partnered sex, but that’s a much larger topic, and also ugh, other people…). As a woman I’ve got all the bits I need, but when I’m feeling particularly male, I come up short. Like, really short.

It’s… it’s still just a clitoris. The nerve endings are all there, but stimulating them can cause dysphoria, which is a great way to kill the mood. It’s hard to stay properly turned on when you reach for your junk and discover it’s been filed down to a nub.

My kingdom for a strap­-on with a synched butterfly that vibrates according to the pressure or motion applied to the dong! Okay, so it’s not likely to become a catch phrase, but it’s still something that should exist. Responsive sexual devices do exist, but they’re designed and marketed towards cisgender couples who want to interact over a distance, not transgender singles hoping to use one type of action to create a different type of stimulation.

Since the major toy companies aren’t likely to view the trans community as a major source of revenue any time soon, what’s a girl­slash­boy­slash­both­slash­neither to do?

My best makeshift solution so far is to simply use existing toys in ways they were never intended. My personal favourite is using a g­-spot stimulator on the clitoris. It gives me a shaft to stroke (a pencil dick to be sure, but it’s better than nothing), and my other hand “cups the balls”, i.e. holds the vibrating tip of the toy loosely against my happy place while the stroking action gives it a bit of movement.

In a pinch you could probably use a standard vibe for this sort of thing, but I find these g-spot toys to be the best in terms of a providing comfortable jerk angle (never underestimate the importance of masturbatory ergonomics. Carpal Tunnel isn’t sexy) and a length that’s good for my ego. Girth, not so much, but it’s not like cis boys get a whole lot of control over their dimensions, either*.

*Thank God. The vagina is not a Tardis.

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