When Gimmicks Bomb
I’m all for reinventing the wheel… as long as it’s not replaced with a hedgehog. Every once in a while a perfectly fine piece of equipment like a microwave or a mobile phone will come out with a feature that makes it SO different, but that model will crash and burn because this new little gimmick basically ruined everything else about it that was functioning just as it was.
Enter the (un)Impress Dove. I find Cal Exotics can be hit or miss, but this one emerged from my Big Oh! Box, a vision of silky smooth silicone in a beautiful robin’s egg blue, promising a unique dual-stimulation experience with its delicate little tulip arm for clitoral pleasure. An insertable 4.25” is adorned with an external stimulator and 12 functions for vibration and pulsation between its two motors. Taking it out the box, my hand * squished * on part of the handle and I was taken aback before allowing a second look at the box. “Pressure Sensitive Control” – was that what this plush pocket of air was? A look through the directions gave me no specific indication, so one could only assume. After the 3 seconds of “oh that’s a cool idea” I began to think “so… I have to keep my thumb in the same spot with the same pressure while I’m getting off?” – already this seemed like a bad idea.
After inserting the 3 AAA batteries, I used the clearly labeled 3 buttons – power, function, and lock – to power it on and cycle through the available options. A video on the Cal Exotics site (not in their instruction manual) informed me that you set it to your desired pattern, use the pressure-sensitive balloon-thing to select your intensity, then hit the lock to set it there until you cycle to another pattern. This seemed like a decent idea, and that does work for the most part, but I admit that I originally thought the lock button was for travel, since the power button turns on incredibly easily. A secondary flaw here is that you need two hands to set it while masturbating, not to mention a careful touch when finding your desired speed. Hmmm.
The 12 patterns seemed like they were modeled off a session with a drunk drummer – buzzes alternated between the stimulator and the shaft sporadically and without much sexual function. When I tried using these patterns for actual sexual pleasure, it confused my genitals; are we getting off or not? Make up your mind. None of the patterns were able to even turn me on, let alone get me off, and this was particularly unfortunate because the patterns were the only thing I could use…
No Seriously, I’d Like To Get Off Now
I find most women are like myself – I rarely care about the available patterns on a vibrator. I’ll just take a low/medium/high variations and play with it myself, thank you very much. Unfortunately, I have yet to mention the low/medium/high settings, don’t I?
So, to access a steady stream of vibration (which should be priority #1 on a vibrator in my opinion), you simply press the pressure sensor to your desire. From there you will get a constant buzz, in any speed you like that can be adjusted with a gentle finger movement.
For 10 seconds.
I thought I’d used it wrong – the air had been squeezed out of the bubble and the vibrations had come to a halt because there was no more pressure available to squeeze out. I waited a minute and the pressure balloon re-inflated, so I tried again, pressing down gently because maybe I just got a little too hasty last time. As I pressed down, the speed went from the medium level I had selected, and then slower and slower until it stopped completely and my thumb was touching the pad below the deflated bubble. I was dumbfounded. This wasn’t seriously it, was it?
Then I remembered the locking feature – ah, yes, of course, you don’t have to keep your finger there the WHOLE time, you just lock it in! Silly blogger. So I waited for another inflation, pressed down, and hit the lock button. Nothing. I kept pushing the lock button while applying pressure but the vibrations died while the lock button did nothing at all. It seems like the locking feature was only available for the drunk patterns.
So yes, that is seriously it. Steady vibration isn’t an option, and the patterns anger my vulva. I want to give Cal Exotics the benefit of the doubt and say maybe my pressure sensor is just leaky, but the overall design of it is just not good enough to say that’s the only problem. But it is very pretty.
Edit: Because life is cruel, I tried the pressure control function one last time before putting this toy away, and of course it worked. That said, this one-time fluke is not enough for me to say it functions properly, and even if it did, it doesn’t change the fact that it’s uncomfortable to hold your finger there the whole time.